We have a problem: my partner’s guilt about their Retroactive Jealousy
How to deal with the guilt that comes with Retroactive Jealousy
“Q: We have a problem in our relationship which is my partner’s jealousy towards me. We have tried to approach each other with our different ways of thinking about friends of opposite gender and so on. We are currently in therapy but nothing seems to work. My partner feels very guilty about her behavior and we are really afraid that this could break us. We have recently decided to try microdosing Psilocybin to help us move forward with the problem… I would love to hear how you are doing, with the topic?”
I received this question and thought my answer might be useful for others dealing with Retroactive Jealousy (RJ) in their relationship. Guilt is one of the common emotions associated with RJ. In my case, it was the last to dissipate, lingering as remorse for how I’d treated my partner during my struggle with RJ. I didn’t fully overcome this guilt until last year, using an approach that might be considered unconventional.
To process guilt, I had to fully experience it without resistance. I visualised a time when I had an RJ-fueled argument with my partner and allowed myself to feel the guilt from that encounter and others. I then mentally said “yes” to any negative thoughts/feelings that arose with the guilt. I had previously tried doing this with RJ, but the RJ was often too powerful to sit with, try as I may. However, in this instance, it worked. The key was to feel the emotions and thoughts without resistance — similar to the Sedona Method — and sit with them for around twenty to thirty minutes in the form of a meditation. There was a significant emotional release associated with it. Letting go of guilt can dramatically improve your interactions with your partner. For those in therapy, a practitioner skilled in Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) could likely assist with this process.
What’s the best type of therapy?
While I’ve been open about the fact that therapy didn’t cure my RJ, I acknowledge its benefits. Couples therapy can be successful for some, but I believe RJ sufferers primarily need ACT or Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy to recover. Unless a couples therapist has specific experience with Relationship OCD or RJ, I’d recommend that RJ sufferers pursue individual therapy first, overcome their RJ, and then consider couples therapy if still needed. Here’s why:
- Couples therapy often “validates” each partner’s thoughts and feelings. For an RJ sufferer, having their thoughts validated can be counterproductive. These thoughts shouldn’t be invalidated, but rather, learned to be seen as uninteresting.
- Therapy often uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to challenge beliefs. However, RJ beliefs aren’t rational — they’re deeply emotional. Despite how many reasons a therapist can give you as to why a belief isn’t true, an RJ brain can generate innumerable counterarguments as to why it is true, thus worsening cognitive dissonance. In other words, you can’t intellectually rationalise your way out of RJ.
- For an RJ sufferer, hearing how their RJ is affecting their partner can exacerbate feelings of guilt. Exposing them to their partner’s thoughts in a therapeutic setting is thus likely to perpetuate guilt rather than ameliorate it. I’ve written that RJ is the primary problem in a relationship, not the partner. While other issues may exist, RJ often overshadows them and should be prioritised.
This isn’t to say that partners can’t assist in recovery — they can — but they can’t do the work for the RJ sufferer. The most helpful thing a partner can do is refrain from discussing past relationships or flings. When an RJ sufferer asks about the past, the partner can simply say, “I’m not going to answer that.” RJ thrives on “needing to know,” and uncertainty drives its anxiety. Paradoxically, embracing uncertainty is the path to freedom from RJ. With practice, you’ll no longer feel compelled to know whether your partner might cheat or if they’re truly right for you. Can you allow yourself to be in a state of “not knowing”? By practicing exposing yourself to uncertainty in other areas of life, you’ll find it easier to be uncertain about your partner and your future together.
Can Microdosing psychedelics help in recovery?
Regarding microdosing psilocybin for RJ, that wasn’t my approach. I used a standard dose (1.5–2g) of magic mushrooms, not a series of microdoses. Evidence for microdosing’s effectiveness in treating mental health conditions remains limited. However, research on standard “trip” doses of psychedelics like psilocybin and ketamine (technically a dissociative) is promising and growing.
I don’t want to imply that psychedelics are necessary for RJ recovery. In my case, desperation led me to try it, and fortunately, it worked. However, I believe I would have eventually recovered even without psychedelics, albeit over a longer period.
Besides my experience with magic mushrooms, the most helpful resources I found were Mark Freeman’s books, articles, and YouTube content. While he doesn’t specifically address RJ, his holistic approach to mental health is comprehensive enough that you can apply it to RJ.
As for my recovery, I consider myself fully recovered. I now live with my partner, and RJ is a distant memory. I can recall how it strained our relationship and what it felt like, but I can no longer recreate the visceral reactions I once had to those thoughts. More importantly, I don’t have the thoughts anymore! I can think about them if I choose, but there’s no benefit in doing so. I once feared I’d be stuck with the thoughts forever and would learn to “accept” them. But being in a place where you can not only accept them, but also not have them, is even sweeter.
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