The one thing that cured my Retroactive Jealousy
Retroactive Jealousy is a condition that forces the sufferer to cast doubt and blame about their partner’s suitability based on their romantic or sexual past (or both). It’s an awful condition for both the sufferer and their partner, and it often destroys otherwise healthy relationships.
I tried everything to get rid of my RJ: therapy, self-help books, supplements — you name it. In the end, there was one thing that “cured” my RJ, but it wasn’t therapy, self-help books, or supplements that helped me get there; it was something quite unconventional. In a nutshell, it was acceptance — or learning to accept the things beyond my control. However, the journey towards achieving this was far from straightforward.
But before I get into how I got to a place of acceptance, I want to give a few pieces of advice to anyone suffering from Retroactive Jealousy that I wish someone had told me. All of these things worked for me before the final “page turned” and I fell into a place of acceptance:
- Take care of your physical health: this might sound like stating the obvious, but it’s remarkable what one bad night of sleep, binge-eating and sitting at your computer all day can do for your mental health. Conversely, eating well, having eight hours of sleep a night, and going walking/running can do a lot to improve it. Consistently getting enough sleep, exercise, and eating well will make you notice a big difference in your mood and your ability to handle ruminations/intrusive thoughts.
- Learn about ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) (and practice it!): The bread and butter of ACT is that you accept the thoughts and feelings that make you uncomfortable, and you then commit to performing actions that align with your values. In other words, you acknowledge the uncomfortable thoughts but don’t allow them to make you deviate from doing things that align with your values.
- Learn about ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention): this is another handy tool for RJ. When you’re exposed to a trigger that usually sets off your RJ, you consciously allow yourself to feel the anxiety spike from it without engaging in a mental compulsion, i.e., “mental reassurance” or seeking reassurance from a partner. This can be terrifying at first, as you really have to allow every inch of the anxiety to sit there and not push it away or try to suppress it. After some time, the thoughts have less power until they no longer bother you and, in some cases (including mine), completely go away.
The failure of Therapy
I have previously encouraged people to find a good therapist familiar with Relationship OCD who can help them with this. But it would be disingenuous of me to say that therapy helped me in any meaningful way.
I had roughly eight sessions of therapy through the UK’s national health service (NHS). However, as RJ is not medically recognised as a disorder, my therapist did not know how to treat it and would not acknowledge it as a type of OCD. As such, my therapy sessions were cut short, as I was scheduled to have at least twelve. A lack of understanding around RJ is one of the reasons why it is so hard to beat.
My therapist took the traditional approach of psychoanalysis, i.e. asking questions about my childhood, relationships, etc. But I can tell you now, having recovered from RJ, psychoanalysis is NOT necessary for curing RJ. You don’t need to understand or “know” why you have RJ or understand how your childhood relationships may or may not have contributed to it. This “needing” to know can just as easily become another compulsion. Drop the “needing to know” and instead approach your RJ with the courage to get over it. All it takes is effort, perseverance, and the courage to face your fears.
When confronting these fears, you will find that you have some underlying beliefs that are supporting your RJ. These beliefs may be about yourself, your partner, how they should be/act, or about the opposite sex in general. However, it’s not important to understand how or why those beliefs got there. You don’t need to analyse how or why you ended up with RJ. Just make a resolution to get over it, and in time, you will do just that. This has been my experience so I can only speak from that. You may decide that once you’re over it you want to analyse it. That’s perfectly okay. But make recovery your priority, not analysis.
A Blessing in Disguise
With hindsight, this failed experience with therapy turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Realising that I was not only up against a debilitating mental condition but also “institutional ignorance” to a condition that was essentially ruining my relationship — and to some extent my life — I grew desperate.
I read a story about a man who cured his “chronic” OCD with magic mushrooms. Initially, I was skeptical, but my interest had been piqued. I then read up on how research institutes had been using them therapeutically to treat anxiety and depression (it turns out that set and setting are the two key things to having a “good” trip). Feeling helpless, I managed to procure some “shrooms” and went into the trip with an open mind. I lay in bed blindfolded while listening to the Johns Hopkins University Psilocybin playlist and waited for the ‘shrooms to take effect over my mind and body.
Somehow, as if by magic, the trip worked. After one trip (and only one trip) my RJ was almost instantly gone. I still needed to do some more internal work after it, i.e. not fall into bad habits by not looking after my mental health. But for the first time in months, I was obsession-free. No ruminating, nada. Some thoughts and behaviours popped up again a couple of months later, but by applying everything I had learned about ACT, they never reappeared after that. It’s been over two years now since my trip, and I have not had a single episode of RJ since. My RJ has been 100% unequivocally cured.
I’m not saying that everyone who suffers from RJ should go out and take magic mushrooms. That’s not the point. I’m also aware that these “medicines” are highly illegal and should never be taken by anyone with a family history of psychosis or schizophrenia, so caution is warranted. But what I am saying is that there is hope for a cure, even if it comes in an unconventional form. For me, it was the combination of all the tools I mentioned earlier, plus the psychedelic experience that allowed me to get to a place of acceptance and overcome my RJ.
I’ve debated whether to write this article as I don’t want people to get the impression that ‘shrooms are some kind of silver bullet to treating RJ — they aren’t. As mentioned, I still had to do some work on myself after the trip to integrate the experience into my life and relationship, including the three recommendations I mentioned at the top of this article. But ‘shrooms were the catalyst for all this. Without them, it’s possible I would have relapsed. The trip also helped get me to a place of acceptance, as the ‘shrooms got me out of my head and into my body and showed me what it feels like to accept (it feels like surrender).
At this point, relapsing seems highly unlikely, if not impossible. But if it were to happen, knowing what I know now, it wouldn’t be a problem, and I have no worries at all about that happening.
The takeaway
What I hope people will take away from this article is that they can be free of RJ. You don’t have to use magic mushrooms like I did. Many people have gotten over various types of OCD without using any “drugs” whatsoever. For inspiration, I recommend listening to a podcast called The OCD Stories. While I credit ‘shrooms for much of this, acceptance is what helped me get over my RJ — accepting that I was entirely powerless to change my partner, control them or the relationship. Shrooms simply helped me reach that place of acceptance more quickly.
I also want to encourage people who decide to seek therapy to find a therapist who understands Relationship OCD and/or RJ. If they don’t, I’m sorry to say this, but you may have the same experience as I did. My therapy was unproductive at best, but yours doesn’t have to be. Nevertheless, you can be cured. I hope that reading this will help some people realise that RJ isn’t chronic and doesn’t just require a palliative. You can leave RJ behind if you have the willpower and courage to do so.
In conclusion, if you’re struggling with Retroactive Jealousy, don’t give up hope. Try different methods, take care of your physical health, learn about ACT and ERP, and, if you can, seek out a therapist who understands RJ. And remember, acceptance is key. Accept the things you cannot control, focus on your values, and be courageous in facing your fears. With effort, perseverance, and the right mindset, you can overcome Retroactive Jealousy.
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